Polite company usually makes me behave very badly.

I have recently attended a string of events where one is expected to act like a normal person:  children’s birthday parties, (including my own daughter’s), weddings, various types of showers–and I have failed at almost all of them.

I’m infected with this weird strand of social anxiety that causes me to stand awkwardly in the corner with my mouth shut trying desperately not to do or say something weird.  Well.  Until I drink too much.  Which is always. And then i do quite the opposite.  Here is a handy chart I’ve fashioned to illustrate exactly what happens at, oh, let’s say, choosing something completely randomly, a baby shower.

1. Receive email inviting me to shower.
2. Spend the next few weeks thinking of an excuse to not go.
3. Determine that suicide is not feasible.
4. Get dressed for party with grace and ease.
5. Change five times because nothing looks good on my warped post-baby body before putting back on the very first outfit.
6. Show up to the party.  Realize I know only one person.  Immediately get super awkward.
7. Think of universal topics to discuss in order to make small talk.  Congratulate myself on my efforts.
8. Promptly forget everything.
9. Decide after twenty drinks that I am the most interesting person in the room.  Go up to stranger under the guise of making polite conversation. Say something fucking awful.
10. Stand by cluelessly as poor individual desperately tries to excuse themselves.
11. Decide after a successful showing that it’s time to go home.
12. Remember that drinking alone is the best way to make the worst decisions.  Pass out after sending embarrassing texts to various people who definitely don’t want to hear from me.  For example, everyone.

Of course this behavior is not limited to just baby showers and such–I am an equal opportunity embarrassment–but these are the types of events where I frequently succeed at failing.

So anyway, there you have it.  If you want to have a normal, fun, not-weird event, don’t invite me.  You’ve been warned.