A mom I met in one of RJ’s baby classes asked me to go to coffee the other day, and I was all:

It’s the same look I gave back in ’06 to this guy (with his own Wikipedia page!) after he asked me if he could snort a couple of lines of my ass:  one of abject horror coupled with curious wonderment.

It’s not that I didn’t want to sit around and talk about the time Mercury came out of her mother’s vagina reciting King Lear–after a couple of glasses of Pinot Grigio, I’d make up amazing shit about my baby too.  But…

The only two things I can do over coffee is 1) complain about my hangover and 2) yell at my boyfriend for not having done the dishes the night before.

So I suggested that we go have a drink instead.  And she looked at me like this:

It was the same look that the guy from ’06 (with his own Wikipedia page!) gave me when when I told him I hadn’t waxed in five months and it was like “Welcome to the Jungle” down there, so he could proceed at his own risk.

“I can’t have a drink.  I’m breastfeeding,” she bit it out.

So I’m like:

It’s a sensitive subject, I get it.  When RJ was born, a nurse in the hospital told me that drinking and breastfeeding was fine and that it could actually help with the letdown of milk.  I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, but she was a medical professional.  Who was I to argue with her? In fact, it would have been downright insulting if I hadn’t taken her advice!

Anyway, I understand that not everyone had my insanely qualified nurse to guide them at the onset of their breastfeeding journey, so I eye-darted for like, thirty seconds, and then instead of saying something like “Oh, of course, I totally understand, let’s get coffee,” I panicked and blurted “I’m allergic to coffee beans and tea leaves.”  Which is a completely ridiculous lie, but she was visibly relieved.  So relieved, in fact, that it was kind of embarrassing.

Then we just stood there blinking at each other until she politely excused herself.

And thus concluded another awkward attempt at me trying to fit in with the other new moms.  It was successfully unsuccessful.